Up Ship's Creak Without a Paddle

Cold Call (again)

2009-05-07T21:47:00.004Z

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hello Sir, my name is David from XYZ Kitchens LTD, I'm calling because you had a quote for a kitchen from one of our sister companies some time ago.

Me: Okay?

Caller: Well we'd just like to find out if you went ahead with that quote.

Me: Okay?

Caller: Well, did you go ahead with that quote, Sir?

Me: What quote?

Caller: You had a quote from our sister company about a kitchen, Sir.

Me: What's wrong with the kitchen?

Caller: You had a quote for a kitchen, Sir, did you go ahead with it?

Me: From your sister company?

Caller: Yes, Sir.

Me: And you don't know whether I went ahead with it?

Caller: That's what I'm calling to find out, Sir. Did you go ahead with it?

Me: With what?

Caller: The quote, Sir.

Me: What quote?

Caller: For the kitchen.

Me: Why, what's wrong with my kitchen?

Caller: I don't know Sir - you requested a quote for a kitchen.

Me: What kitchen?

Caller: You don't have a kitchen?

Me: Yes.

Caller: And you want a new one?

Me: No, we had a a new one some time ago.

Caller: You already have a new kitchen?

Me: Yes - it's downstairs.

Caller: So you went ahead with the quote?

Me: No.

Caller: But you do have a new kitchen?

Me: Yes

Caller: So they didn't fit it for you?

Me: No - I fitted it myself.

Caller: Sorry Sir - do you want a new kitchen?

Me: No.

Caller: (click)

Should I be proud of this?

2008-05-28T10:08:00.001Z

Your results:
You are Geordi LaForge

Geordi LaForge		75%
Deanna Troi		60%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		60%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		55%
Beverly Crusher		50%
Will Riker		50%
Jean-Luc Picard		45%
Uhura		40%
Chekov		40%
Mr. Scott		40%
Spock		32%
Data		32%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		30%
Worf		25%
Mr. Sulu		5%

You work well with others and often
fix problems quickly. Your romantic
relationships are often bungled.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Actual Customer Service?

2008-04-18T10:18:00.003Z

Crickey - I just had a good customer service experience! I broke the catch on our bin in the kitchen. I called up the manufacturer to order a replacement. I'm going to plug them - it was a Simplehuman "Rectangular Softtouch" bin.

There was no automated queue system.
I got straight through to the actual person within 4 rings.
She simply asked what model it was and for my address, and will post one to me straight away.
No questions asked, no charge, no postage fee, nothing.

Brilliant. If only they were all like that.

Hello again

2008-04-15T14:10:00.002Z

Thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Neil Barnwell, and I'm a software developer in the midlands. I'm doing this because I have a Flickr account under my alter-ego of Shipcreak that I'd like to get around more, and I don't see any reason for this blog to be anonymous any more.

I may well post here occasionally, and I do post on my other blog occasionally.

Here's that Flickr account, in case you're interested: http://www.flickr.com/photos/shipcreak/

See you soon, here's a little something to be going on with:

Hey diddle diddle,
the cat did a piddle,
The cow was over the moon,
I laughed so hard I peed my pants,
and ate another mushroom.

Unwrap and zap - Unravelling the myth of the Wetherspoon Dinner

2007-07-10T18:39:00.000Z

My wife and I went into a Wetherspoons a few months back after doing some shopping, intent on feeding our faces. I always quite liked dinners there - the lamb and fudge cake being my favourite dishes.

On this occasion, however, we decided we wanted the mixed grill. I went up and paid (in advance, which is how they do things in there) and sat back down.

Some minutes later, The Lad walks over and asks:

"Did someone order a mixed grill?"

"Yes, that was us" I replied.

"Ahh, I'm sorry Sir, but we're out of mixed grills at the moment".

I sounded surprised.

"Oh, really? Well, what are you missing?"

"Sorry, Sir?"

"Well, is it steak or sausages or chicken that you've run out of? We could have extra of something else to make up for it."

"Ahh, no Sir. We are out of mixed grills."

"What, you mean they're pre-packaged and you just microwave them?"

"'Pre-served, Sir".

"Oh, I see."

He pointed out a dish or two that they did have "in stock", and we ate. It was a miserable dinner. I used to love eating there, but that dinner put me off for life. The meat was dry, the veggies were made of damp paper, and the usually delicious pudding did little to make up for it.

So, who's up for a McDonalds?...

Hot Tip 10

2007-07-04T21:58:00.000Z

Don't squat with your spurs on.

We Love Each Other: Angry Chimp Tribute

2007-07-04T20:56:00.000Z

It's not the greatest blog in the world, it's just a tribute to one that could be.

Tony Blair and George W. Bush

Tony: He’s, um, y’know, a good bloke. He, sort’ve, y’know, know’s what he’s doing. I’m totally confident that our partnership is a great asset to us both. He makes a great cup of coffee and his house is really nice. Are we, y’know, off the record now? Oh great, it kills me to, y’know, kiss his arse all the time like this. Well, not for much longer now. It’s Gordy’s problem from now on. Wanker.

George: Wha? Sorry, Ton…? Oh. Yeah, he’s real swell. He’s a little stiff an’ his golf ain’t all that, but he’s bin a useful alloy in I-rack. Say, he’s the guy with that freaky smile, ain’ he?

More Cold Calling

2007-07-04T19:34:00.002Z

About a year ago we bought a laptop off of Dell. I always opt out of the expensive and often unnecessary extended warranty. A couple of months later I had this call (this is the edited version for sanity's sake):

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello sir, my name is Jim, I'm calling from Dell. You purchased a laptop from us recently, yes?
Me: Umm, yes.
Caller: I notice you did not purchase the extended warranty, Sir?
Me: No.
Caller: Well I'd like to take this opportunity to inform you of our best ever offer on extended warranties. For only £108 you get three years cover.
Me: Three years? I've only just bought it - why would I need a warranty? If it breaks I'll send it back regardless.
Caller: Well this covers you against all sorts.
Me: All sorts? It's brand new - what's going to go wrong with it?
Caller: Well, in case a button falls off or something.
Me: A BUTTON'S GOING TO FALL OFF!?!
Caller: Nonono, I'm saying that as an example, that's all.
Me: But you just said a button was going to fall off!
Caller: I was just saying that it's piece of mind.
Me: PIECE OF MIND!! I had piece of mind until you phoned me ten minutes ago and told me a button was going to fall off!!

Me: Look, where are you from again?
Caller: Glasgow.
Me: Glasgow? I was in Glasgow last year. What's the weather like up there?
Caller: It's okay, not raining too much.
Me: Yeah, same here - quite nice actually.
Caller: Look, do you want the warranty or not, Sir?
Me: No, I do not.
Caller: Goodbye, Sir.
Me: Goodbye.

True story, as best as I can remember it.

True friendship is...

2007-07-04T19:34:00.001Z

...farting before you get in the car.

Cold Calling Techniques 101

2007-03-07T13:23:00.000Z

This is a genuine call I just had only 3 minutes ago:

Her: Hello it's June from amber, are you the homeowner?
Me: Where are you from?
Her: Amber.
Me: What do they do?
Her: Windows, you called us 3-4 months back about windows?
Me: No, I didn't.
Her: Maybe a patio door or a conservatory for the future?
Me: You're just calling me on the off-chance, aren't you?
Her: (sheepishly) Yeah.
Me: Goodbybe then, and don't call here again.
Her: Bye.

Blogger.com Upgrade?

2006-12-27T16:19:00.001Z

So, has anyone upgraded to the new version of blogger.com? I know Sniffy has, and she had a spot of trouble (although this appears to be because she crossed the streams and imported stuff into wordpress...).

I'd still quite like to go for it, anyone got anything to add?

Politicians of the Future

2006-12-27T16:00:00.000Z

What will politicians be like in 40 years? Personally I'm not looking forward to the ASBO generation looking after the country I live in.

When I was at school, I'm pretty sure I had respect for teachers, kids older than me, and even prefects. I got a strong sense of discipline from my parents, who I think did a pretty good job of bringing me up, and knew I'd get into trouble if I did something wrong. A theory I often proved to be true.

I have developed a slightly over-confident cockyness that has got me into trouble on more than one occasion, but as a young schoolboy I didn't swear at teachers and tried to be invisible around the Bigger Kids.

So imagine my surprise when I became one of the Bigger Kids and found myself and my peers, and all adults (including teachers) to be the target of much piss-taking and disrespect.

Imagine my even greater surprise when a teacher from another class ran into my a-level french class, tears streaming down her face, distraught and unable to control her 13 year old students. They were swearing at her, ignoring her requests (and at some point screams) to get in line. They completely broke her. Soon after she left and went back to her home country of Canada, where apparently she didn't have these problems.

Now I don't like to tar all kids with the same "ignorant little bastard" brush, as they're not all that bad (except the little shit that stole the badge off my car), but what will the country be like when this new generation is running: our banks, our shopping centres and superstores and our government?

<gulp>

Unnatural Selection

2006-10-06T21:48:00.000Z

Survival of the fittest? Survival of ones with the best safety devices, more like.

Darwin suggested the theory of evolution, that every now and again an improved version comes out and survives to reproduce, hence, evolution of species.

And despite the opposable thumb it strikes me that if this was the case, then the twat who cut me up on the motorway this morning wouldn't exist. Neither would those people who think that the best lane to approach an island is the one with the least traffic, even if it means they have to cut across 3 lanes to get off at their exit. Or those people that decided that signalling and checking their mirrors before changing lanes is only for while you are still learning or following a police car.

I'm not a perfect driver by any means whatsoever, but when I make mistakes, I like to think it's not through ignorance like this lot. Well, most of the time.

Maybe if there were no airbags, no crumple zones, no seatbelts, then there would be either:

a) Far fewer deaths, as people would be more careful if they knew for sure that cutting up that lorry will kill them.

or

b) All the morons would eventually die out, be unable to reproduce, and therefore improve the species, as nature intended.

I probably should be careful what I wish for, as like I said, I'm not perfect, but I do get mad when people's attitude to their driving risks me not making it home to my wife. Selfish basterds.

Moby Dic.

2006-10-02T22:12:00.001Z

I've come up with a bit of a survey.

On my mobile phone, I use the "predictive text" option when sending SMS messages, which means the phone "guesses" what words you want to send based on a built-in dictionary. Occasionally, a word you want to send isn't in the dictionary, and you have to resort to typing it manually, thus adding it to the dictionary in case you want to use it again.

The other day I was browsing through the "my words" area of my phone, and had to chuckle at some of the entries:

Cheeky
Crikey
Custard
Erm
Hiya
Okidoki
Mosh
Tagliatelli

Fun for all the family? Not if you're my mate C:

Basterd
Crap
Brum
Fags
Dickhead
Pasty
Dweeb
Plus all conjugations of the verb "to fuck"

Does anyone wish to offer up the contents of their moby dic? Or if not maybe take a look in your custom dictionary in Micro$oft word?

Freakin' Green Elf Shortness - THE WINNAH!

2006-10-01T11:34:00.000Z

Ok, cliché aside, it was genuinely hard to pick a winner. The sheer talent that has come forward makes me wonder how I won the things in the first place, so I'm gonna go through my top 3 countdown:

It looked like Piggy and Tazzy had it nailed when they came in with an early entry that set the bar high from the off:

Hilary would regret having that extra glass of wine at the awards ceremony the night before...

Then April hit back hard with this uppercut:

Happy was about to learn the meaning of "roll me over and do me dry."

But in the end, it was this simple knee-in-the-bollocks that won, devastating in it's simplicity, and delivered by none other than s.i.d. (who I believe has since buggered off to a new blog on wordpress):

"There's no place like Gnome"

So thanks to all the entries, the response made it worth going through the embarrassment of what felt like a low-budget porn shoot in my bedroom.

Let's see how the next episode of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts pans out...

Day After Day

2006-09-19T07:39:00.000Z

This is what the screen of my PDA has shown every working day since January this year:

God I'm bored. Still, I've got that gig to look forward to...

Hot Tip 9

2006-09-18T21:58:00.000Z

Are you a blogger user? Do you find yourself frustrated with the inability to comment on blogs based on the new Blogger BETA?

Well, frustrate no more, ladies, gentlemen and those in-between. Instead, read this article hidden on the BETA Blogger known issues list:

Users who have not switched to Blogger BETA

Previous Hot Tips:

Freakin' Green Elf Shortness

2006-09-17T18:28:00.000Z

Finally, I've got round to getting a pic of these damn elf shorts! I've not taken quite as long as the Herge, but considerably longer than I probably should.

So, in an effort to offload these things onto the next lucky contestant, I'm setting up the usual caption competition to send them on their way.

I've put it off long enough, so here's the pic:

Winner will be chosen in a couple of weeks, to give people time to notice that I'm posting again.

Please be gentle...

Buddies - Part 2

2006-09-11T19:15:00.000Z

They all thought the way they met was a little strange. Maybe they should have been happy for him, but it was just too much to swallow.

A month or so after the first meeting, the friends were to go on holiday. It was a holiday arranged between Bob, Jim, Louise, and Louise's brother and Husband long before Narinder appeared, and so Jim regretfully had to leave her behind.

The friends had all noticed something less than desirable about the way Narinder acted - always wanting her own way and to be the centre of attention, but had all decided for themselves that it was none of their business and left well alone.

While away, they noticed Jim was spending quite a lot of time on the payphone calling home, but didn't say who with or what about. Again, they left alone.

A week or two after they arrived home, Bob and Jim were chatting in Jim's living room, when Jim got up and announced that he had to fetch Narinder from her parents' house. He invited Bob along for the ride, who agreed.

They arrived near the house, but Jim pulled up round the corner, and waited. Within a few minutes Narinder came round the corner with her overnight bag. Bob jumped in the back while Jim put the luggage in the boot (trunk, for our American readers), and after a few minutes realised that she had disappeared. A few minutes went by and she came back again, laden with yet more bags. She jumped into the car and they started off home.

The following day, during their lunch break, Bob asked Jim about all the bags.

"What's with all those bags? I mean, how long's she staying" he said, trying to sound light-hearted.

"Ahh, well that's the thing, you see..."

"Oh. I see."

"Yeah, well the thing is, she was either going to have to go into an arranged marriage, or move further away to live with her boss to help start up a new office."

"Oh. Right."

"So I decided I'd rather she move in with me, 'cos I'd only have to travel all that way to see her otherwise."

"Well, cool. Nice one." said Bob, looking doubtful.

And so she was in. After all this, you could say there are two ways of looking at this. One school of thought says that a young girl happens to meet a young guy in an unusual scenario, they get along, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

The other school of thought is that a young girl (who may or may not be facing moving away or an arranged marriage, but is certainly not flush with cash) is out on her rounds one night, and happens across a nice looking house with a sportscar outside, with a nice young man who answers the door, and... Well, the rest of that part of the story is left for the reader.

Buddies - Part 1

2006-09-06T16:56:00.000Z

"I've met someone" annouces Jim.

"Oh really? Who's that, then?" replies Bob.

"Well, it's kind've funny actually..."

"How so?"

"Well, I was at home, and the door rang. I answered it and there was a girl at the door. She wanted to sell me electricity. I was thinking of changing my supplier anyway, so I invited her in.

"We went over the forms, and I signed up. We were sat there, and she asked me if I had had any dinner. I said no, and she asked me if I would like her to cook me something, and I said yes. We went shopping 'cos I had nothing in, and she made me a beef curry, and went home."

"Crickey, that's different" (alarming, worrying, weird, etc)

"Yeah, well I got her number and we're going to go out for a drink."

"Cool, well, nice one Mate."

"Ta"

The conversation moved on (it has a habit of doing that) and as the evening drew to a close, Bob said goodbye and left.

A week or so later, Bob, Louise and Liz were invited round to Jim's to meet Narinder for the first time. Narinder was cooking for them all, and as dinner was to be a little while, Jim and Bob were "sent" to rent a movie or two to watch after dinner.

While perusing the aisles at the local Blockbuster video store (other video rental stores are available), Jim's phone rings. As he answers, Bob overhears yelling at the other end. After a brief conversation, he hangs up.

"Oh for God's sake, it's all kicking off back home."

"Oh? How so?"

"I dunno. We'll find out when we get back."

Jim hastily suggested a Jet Li action movie, Bob agreed, and they went home.

As they walked through the front door, all hell broke loose. While they were out, Narinder and Liz had started arguing over what movie would be brought back, during which Narinder announced that she "was Jim's girlfriend and would get whatever she wanted". It later transpired that it all started because she had suggested to Jim that he choose something with Jet Li in, and apparently Liz really doesn't like Jet Li movies.

After a prolonged argument, Liz left in a whirl of outrage, Lou called her husband to come and pick her up, and while Jim and Narinder "discussed" the events of the evening in the kitchen, Bob sat in the living room, eventually falling foul of his self-imposed "no drink and drive, even after just the one" rule and spending the night on the living room couch.

So it had begun, and although Jim predictably and understandably fell on his new girlfriend's side of the argument, Bob had managed to remain neutral and would continue to do so through a good deal worse than this...

Buddies - Prologue

2006-08-21T21:50:00.000Z

After nearly 10 long years as best friends, it's been over 12 months since they last spoke. Happy anniversary.

Not that either's missed the other, or, at least that's what they'll tell you. I only know one of them at all well these days, and I know he does.

The last year has been filled with many exciting things for these two: marriage, new houses, but neither has gone back over that old ground. There's always tomorrow, after all, and after all this time, maybe nothing can be salvaged anyway?

So they go on, day by day, enjoying what they have, and not really wanting for anything more; they have everything they need. Anyway, they're both either too stubborn or idle to make the first move. So they slowly drift further and further apart.

It's an old story you may have heard before. A friend keeps quiet, but in the end is pushed too hard and says something they later regret. Thinking they were doing it for the best, for the right reasons. Ultimately, risking everything.

And losing.

And all it took was one person, who made the machine faulter and eventually seize with near surgical precision. A move so openly deliberate, the boldness of which has shocked all and disgusted many. All but one, in fact, who remains steadfast.

A tough nut to crack. Is it even worth it? Who needs best mates, anyway?

Oh, bollerks!

2006-07-12T22:02:00.000Z

Damn it. In a rare moment that I actually got round to making a comment on someone's blog, and now I find myself in possession of the coveted "Elf Shorts". Cheers, Herge.

So I guess this means I'm going to be posting something soon. Watch this space...

Join The Club?

2006-05-12T10:16:00.000Z

I believe it was Grouch Marx that said “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

Imagine a club that really, really wants you. Only really if you’re a certain kind of person, but they’ll help you to change (of course they will).

Imagine this Club having lots of strict rules, and no proven benefits.

"Easy, if it’s a good club", you say.

It's true, most clubs have rules. Most private golf clubs are very stuffy about what clothes you wear and how you “conduct” yourself when at the clubhouse.

But they don’t mind what you’re up to when not at the clubhouse, so imagine being part of a club that did?

What if The Rules included not socialising with people outside The Club? You might suggest that that would be a good way to encourage members to encourage their friends and family to join, and then everyone's a winner. I mean, there are benefits to being in The Club, right? Marx also said “I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it”, which can be read in more than one way.

But then what if I told you “not really”, and that there were yet more rules?

"More?" you say.

Yes, more, lots more. You wouldn't be able to have sex before marriage (or at least not any more once you're in), there's no large parties (unless organised by The Club, and even they aren't encouraged), no short skirts for the ladies, and no flashy cars for the boys, as all of this is Frowned Upon.

Other things that are Frowned Upon include long relationships (you should know after 6 months of dating whether you're going to stay with that person or not), long engagements (just as long as it takes you to plan a wedding i.e. 6 months to a year max), getting drunk, smoking, drugs, clubbing etc. Some of the other members of The Club don't even approve of staying out past midnight.

And the penalty for breaking The Rules? Well, like any good club, you get kicked out. Your friends who are still in the club are now no longer allowed to speak to you, and in fact now that they’re so In The Club, they probably wouldn’t want to. Yes, that goes for family, too.

But at least you don’t have to live by the rules any more, eh?

Why DO they call it "Oxon"?

2006-04-25T22:28:00.000Z

So we went to see my tailor to get my wedding suit, and now that I have our camera with me all the time, I decided to take some pics of Oxford. Nice place, actually.

This sounded better in my head...

2006-04-25T12:03:00.000Z

Hey diddle diddle,
the cat did a piddle,
The cow was over the moon,
I laughed so hard I peed my pants,
but was still locked in my padded room.

No competition

2006-04-23T10:39:00.000Z

Now I know these are no competition for the lovely pics over at Edwaado's blog, but these are two of the first taken with our nice new camera. Click the pics to see the fullsize version on my Flickr site

Porridge? Whatever next?

2006-04-23T10:18:00.000Z

There once was a blogger called Ed
Who had nothing that needed to be said
He gave it a go but had nothing to show
So he blogs about porridge instead!

Thanks for the inspiration, Edwaado...

Let's Try Again...

2006-02-11T22:32:00.000Z

Okay, so I'm about to re-enable anonymous comments, so you guys that don't have blogs but have something to say can say it.

Let the wave of spam begin!...

Hot Tip 8

2006-02-11T22:02:00.000Z

Buy a USB card reader to quickly transfer your pictures from your digital camera to your PC, and specific ones from your library to the card so you can take them to the shop to be developed.

They're only cheap (~£15 on dabs.co.uk) Much quicker than the camera, and save on camera batteries, too!

Previous Hot Tips:

Freak or Chic? - Herge Smith

2006-02-07T20:42:00.000Z

He needs no introduction, no fanfare and, it seems, no sunlight either. I'd like to say I can guess which way this will go, but seriously I have no idea. That's right Ladies, Gentlemen (and those in-between) - he's the blogger who loves to hate: it's Herge Smith!

But, in the time-honoured tradition, only you can decide - is he Freak or Chic?

How much mileage can we get out of this pic?

Freak or Chic? - The Beckhams

2006-02-07T20:10:00.000Z

We all know who they are. We may or may not think their unique mix of football and pop stardom are a good combination, and we may or may not be glad that they moved to Spain. What's really important is: are they Freak or Chic?

PC Errors in Unexpected Places

2006-02-06T20:35:00.000Z

Spotted by me whilst in the Milton Keynes shopping centre a month or so ago. This is supposed to be one of those online visitor information things, but I don't think this is the kind of information they were meant to convey...

Freak or Chic? - Pete Burns

2006-02-05T21:43:00.000Z

Lend us your comments on the the forthright Pete Burns! Is he a Freak, or is he Chic? Tina - do your worst...

Heated Deb-8 4

2006-01-31T19:35:00.000Z

Previously, on "Heated Deb-8":
* Heated Deb-8
* Heated Deb-8 2
* Heated Deb-8 3

Q. Is it right to laugh at those less fortunate or able than ourselves?

By this I obviously mean fat people, people who smell, people with big gums, people with no blogging talent etc etc.

It's been quite on the blog front for a while, so I thought I'd keep up the interactive feel and get to know you guys a little better. Beware - your answer to this could tell us a lot about you...

Please tell me it's not just me!

2006-01-29T20:08:00.000Z

I've often thought that I have slightly obsessive tendendcies. I'm not sure if I'm making something out of nothing, so I was wondering if I might get your opinion...

1. I can only turn my car stereo volume up and down in even numbers of clicks.

2. I can't bring myself to put socks back on after I've taken them off - which although most people probably agree, it does make going swimming an uncomfortable affair...

3. When there are two lightswitches for the same light, I have to have it so that the light is off when the switch is up. To the extent that I'll go to the other switch and flick it.

4. I always lock the door when I go to the loo, even if I'm the only person in the building.

5. I can't stop trying to fix my PC when there's a problem with it. I just can't leave it alone. I switch it off but it eats away at me until I get back up, switch it on, and have another go. Just can't leave it. Can't. Really gets to me, you know?

So, whether you think I'm nuts, or you agree with everything I've said - let me know. I'm sure it's not just me, is it?

Shipcreak - the Bliography

2006-01-29T16:51:00.000Z

Well, despite a lack of creativity that's spanned my entire blogging career, it seems I've managed 100 posts. Although this doesn't really compare to Herge's Icky 500 I thought I might give you a taste of how things have evolved here at Up Ship's Creak Without a Paddle over the last year, and give you the opportunity to leave the comments you couldn't bring yourself to back then, for fear of overloading my already bloated ego.

Part 1...
Initially introduced to blogging by the truly remarkable Angry Chimp back in February 2005 (who himself evolved to the singularly forthright Herge Smith), I started out with a series of wordy, childish and sketchy (not to mention pointless) rants about nothing in particular. My first post hit out at an apparent lack of common sense. This was swiftly followed by an ill-advised attack on people who don't pay attention. After a brief, beer-induced review with Herge I realised the immature nature of this post, and left it exactly as it was.

The point was not lost on me, however, and I decided to attack myself in the reply.

After numerous attempts to provoke the Angry Chimp with posts about text messages and movies, I tried to move away from the wordy posts that had served me so badly in the past, and tried to adopt a slicker, more snappy approach. I had my first go with an observation while driving, and something I saw at a PFA rally.

Spurred on by a handful of comments I moved on into June with a new vigour. I started plagarising the BBC news website, and started making use of my cameraphone around the place.

I started to get a bit adventurous, and thought about starting some series of posts. I even started a website to go with an idea I had about joke inventions, but it never really took off and I packed it in.

Coming soon: part 2 of the biography of the hour
We hear how I went all introspective, taking the mickey out of myself, and started a semi-popular interactive quiz...

Bunch O' Fours

2006-01-20T21:44:00.000Z

Aww crap! I've been away for a while and this is what I come back to. Thanks edwaado...

Well, it'd be rude to turn it down after such an extended absence, so here goes (but don't expect me to pass it on to some other poor git):

Four jobs you have had in your life:

Admin Asst. at the Benefits Agency (formerly the DSS)
Sales Asst. at Halfords
Odd job man for a software firm
Software Developer for another software firm (no regrets...)

Four movies you would watch over and over:

Ghostbusters
Back to the Future
Batman Begins
Shaun of the Dead

Four places you have lived:

Birmingham
Redd-itch
Malvern
Coming soon - Birmingham!

Four TV shows you love to watch:

LOST
er...
let me think...
Nope, it's all shit. Well, maybe Invasion.

Four places you have been on vacation:

Greece
France
Germany (hey - it was a foreign exchange!)
The Lake District

Four websites I visit daily:

GMail
The Toothfairy, but not as often as I should
Herge, but not daily, I'm ashamed to say.
Crumbs, that's it!

Four of my favourite foods:

Cheese on toast
Duck in Plum Sauce
Gourmet Ke-Thezz from the fabulous Cellar Restaurant
Chocolate (though you wouldn't think it to look at me>

Four places I would rather be right now:

The Caribbean
In our new house
In the pub
At the Cellar

Four bloggers I am tagging

Not this time. No need to break a habit.

2006-01-09T22:55:00.000Z

THIS PAGE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK

Coming Soon!...

2005-12-29T14:09:00.000Z

Watch this space...

You had to be there... 5

2005-12-24T22:53:00.000Z

It was this time, about fifteen years ago. I was 9, and it was Christmas Eve.

Since my parents work in the Fire Service, many Christmases were spent at my Grandparents’ house, where I would spend those few days with my parents on and off night shifts and day shifts.

I was as excited as ever, and desperate for Christmas to come. As nine o’clock came, it was time for bed. Milk and a mince pie were laid out for Father Christmas, and I was asked to say goodnight and sent to bed, leaving my parents and grandparents chatting in the living room.

I dressed in my pyjamas, washed, cleaned my teeth and jumped into bed. Sure I would not be able to sleep, I went out like a light.

I got up bright and early, jumped out of bed, and rushed to the bathroom, sure I would beat everyone downstairs to the presents.

I cleaned my teeth, put my best trousers on, clean tee-shirt, and best jumper, and climbed down the stairs.

As I made my way toward the living room to the Christmas tree and the presents I was sure lay beneath it, I heard voices. My parents and grandparents had beaten me to it!

I burst through the door, to be greeted with a confusing scene. Mum, Dad, Nan, and Granddad, were all sat exactly where I had left them the night before!

"What are you doing up?" Dad asked me.

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"It’s only half past ten, that’s what."

Mum, Nan and Granddad all stifled a laugh (as I’m sure the readers are now – ed), and I went back to bed for the second time that Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas Readers!

You had to be there... 4

2005-11-21T22:30:00.000Z

Previously, on "You had to be there...":
You had to be there...
You had to be there... 2
You had to be there... 3

When I was 15 (10 years ago) I broke my arm. It was bad: the bone came through the skin and I wound up being in hospital for 3 weeks to recover, brimming with pins and bolts and plates galore.

At the end of the second week, I had an operation to take a skin graft from my leg to cover the large hole in my arm. Because of the way they take a skin graft, and the large area it covers, you are generally given an injection that makes your leg completely numb, from the hip to your toes.

It was quite late at night on the ward, and I’d come round properly from the anaesthetic. Unfortunately, my leg was still completely useless from the hip down, and I was desperate for the loo.

Now, by this time I’d learned that it was one of those recycled-paper bedpan things or the toilet, so I resolved to make the perilous journey to the bathroom.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, and found that if I put my weight on my leg, and “locked” the knee back, that I could stand on it briefly enough to hobble.

(Now, bear in mind that none of the muscles in my leg worked, and I had no way to straighten it myself. I was relying totally on my own weight to keep it locked straight. The closest thing I can liken it to is when you get a dead arm from lying on it funny while you’re asleep.)

By the time I’d made it to the end of my bed, I’d gathered the courage to go the 20 yards out of the ward, across the corridor, and into the loo. A quick look each way for the nurse and I was off.

One step, two steps…

And my leg gave way.

I collapsed on the floor like a house of cards, the hospital gown that I was still wearing (and open at the back) billowing around me like a loose sail.

I lay there, checking whether I’d hurt myself, holding my breath so I could listen for the nurse’s footsteps..

Nothing.

But there was a giggle coming from the corner bed. Dammit! Caroline’s seen everything. Oh well, have to deal with that tomorrow. For now, things are getting urgent, let’s have another go.

Across the corridor, check for the nurse, and I’m in!

I realise “standing up” may be a bad idea, but as I go to sit down my leg gives way again and I find myself sprawling across the bathroom floor.

As I lie there, taking a moment to reflect on my situation, I see a pair of legs walk up to the door through the grill.

“Are you okay in there?” an inquisitive voice asks. It’s the nurse.

“Oh, fine, just going to the loo.” Comes my shaky reply.

“Ok, well, let me know if you need anything”

“Right you are”.

I set about getting back on the throne, do the business, and prepare for the return journey.

Out the door, across the corridor, across the ward. I can nearly reach my bed and….

Down I go.

Better reactions this time and I’m up like a shot, broken arm or not.

One last desperate effort... and I collapse back into bed, exhausted. More giggles from across the room. Sod it though. I made it.

Made it with:
1 x broken arm
1 x dead leg
loads x drugs
1 x broken pride

Oh well, if you can’t laugh at yourself...

Heated Deb-8 3

2005-11-18T23:14:00.000Z

Previously, on "Heated Deb-8":
* Heated Deb-8
* Heated Deb-8 2

Q. Should couples buy two rounds or one?

You know the situation I mean, don't you? You're out with a bunch of mates, and there's at least one couple there. When it comes to buying rounds, they get one between them, and everyone else gets one each.

Now, while it's lovely that they consider themselves to be "one", it shouldn't preclude them from paying their way, right? Why should single people pay twice as much on a night out?

The last time I was in this situation was a little over 18 months ago. I was the only single person (guzbree) in a group of 5 people. One couple was doing the "right" thing, and the other not only refused to, but couldn't see what was wrong with it!

What I propose is an international law. A common understanding, under which any parties with one or more "singletons" behave in a proper manner and share the purchase of consecutive rounds fairly and squarely. Note that where there are no singletons, this rule effectively does not apply, since they are all "one", anyway.

Let me know what you think...

(P.S. I feel it should be mentioned that I am no longer a single, and am in fact the lesser (and yet significantly bigger) half of the Toothfairy. Obviously we practise what I preach. Now, who's round is it?...)

...and so, to bed...

2005-10-20T21:24:00.000Z

So the Toothfairy and me have bought a new bed. After much waiting (you can read all about it here), today it arrived, and we thought what better way to make a big deal out of a small event than to share it with our friends on the interweb?

Now, it’s not as interesting as Herge's Mosaic, but here goes…

First, we needed to clear the old bed away (it’s out in the garden, now), and unpack the new one. Toothfairy checked all the parts were included:

Next, you see me making a meal out of attaching some bi-lateral flange-brackets to the frame:

Next step is to attach the side bits to the end bits…:

…and unroll the slat-type-things that hold the mattress up:

Once I’d done this (with the Toothfairy’s help), I (by myself) lugged the (really quite heavy) mattress onto the frame:

Now all that remains is to put the freshly washed and ironed (by the Toothfairy) sheets on…:

…tidy up the rubbish that was left…:

…and voila!:

I’m now knackered and off for a bath and bed. G‘night!

Angry Chimp Woz Ere

2005-10-16T11:35:00.000Z

Mistakes in IT

2005-10-13T11:58:00.000Z

There was a time when, during the summer, I would take an Aerobie (like a frizbee, only better) to work, and we’d all go outside at lunch to have a bit of a break from the indoors.

One day, I sent my usual invite out via e-mail, to a carefully selected list of colleagues. I typed in the first names and let outlook do the rest.

This was my downfall.

A few minutes later I received a reply from Clive J, who worked for one of our biggest customers at their HO near London, stating that he didn’t think he’d be able to make it in time.

Outlook chose Clive J, you see, rather that Clive W, who I intended the e-mail for. Of course when I told people what I’d done, they just laughed at me.

Funnier still is that I made the exact same mistake only a week later, with a similarly smirksome reply from Clive J.

Needless to say, I no longer use autocomplete for my outlook e-mail addresses…

From the mouth of babes... 2

2005-09-18T19:24:00.000Z

Previously, on "From the mouth of babes":
From the mouth of babes...

"Today the school photographer came and took my photo and told me not to stick my teeth out because I looked like Bugs Bunny, and I don't know it yet, but I'm going to do a 'blog' about it in about fifteen years' time."

Heated Deb-8 2

2005-09-15T14:17:00.000Z

Previously, on "Heated Deb-8":
* Heated Deb-8

Q. Are motorbikes dangerous?

Maybe you have one, and love it to bits, or maybe you lost a close friend or relative in a motorcycle accident? Personally I know of people in both situations, and I'm hoping to get one of my own in the next year or so.

Let me know what you think...

From the mouth of babes...

2005-09-14T13:34:00.000Z

"When I grow up, I want to be a Fireman, but I might not be able to because I wear glasses."

You had to be there... 3

2005-09-12T13:54:00.000Z

Previously, on "You had to be there...":
You had to be there...
You had to be there... 2

International Readers please note that Fries are referred to here as "Chips"

It's late, I'm by myself in the Hatfield Galleria Outlet Centre not too far outside London. I've been working at a customer site all day, and I'm looking for somewhere to eat.

It's midweek and I find a reasonably quiet burger restaurant. I walk in, find myself a table, and order burger and fries with a little salad.

I wait a while, disinterested with my surroundings, waiting to get some food inside me so I can go back to the hotel and get some sleep.

My meal arrives, and I thank the waiter as he hands me some cutlery. I'm looking out the window as I absentmindly pick up the vinegar bottle, twist off the cap and begin pouring.

I realise only too late that something is wrong - I look down, only to find that the plastic anti-drip cap has come out of the bottle-top, and is wedged inside the twist-off lid. The vinegar is now pouring over my chips like milk over cereal!

I hurriedly stop pouring, and being rescuing chips which aren't already too far gone. As the good citizen I am, I call the waiter over.

"I thought I should let you know the cap comes off inside the top on this bottle, and I've poured vinegar over my chips. Maybe you should put it aside in case it happens to someone else?"

"Oh, thanks very much, I'll see to it. Can I get you some more chips?"

"Oh, not to worry, it's my mistake and it's not too bad. Thanks for the offer."

He takes the bottle and walks away.

5 minutes later he begins walking back over to me, looking sheepish. As he draws near my table, he says

"Erm, excuse me, I, er, thought you should know? It's a flip lid? Er, just in case it happens again?"

A flip lid! I'm such a bloody fool!

He walks off and I say nothing, hoping that no-one overheard our conversation. I rush to finish my meal, pay, and leave, vowing to be more careful in future.

This is in itself cause for concern, I admit. Unfortunately, the only reason this came to mind to post on here is that I did exactly the same thing at a friend's house only a couple of days ago.

Ship (There is no hope) Creak.

Matchbox Challenge

2005-09-09T12:20:00.000Z

I don't know if anyone's ever done this before, but although dangerous, this can be quite a lot of fun.

The challenge is to complete the following task:

1) Take a standard-size matchbox
2) Take one match, and punch through the top of the box, with the phosphorous bit sticking up in the air
4) Ensure the match drawer is closed

Now, using only one hand:

5) Hold the matchbox in the hand of choice
6) Extract another match
7) Strike it against the side of the matchbox to light it
8) Use it to light the phosphorous at the end of the first match

Important
Neither the hand nor the matchbox can touch anything but each other!

It's not as easy as you might think, try it and let me know how you get on.

Disclaimer
Shipcreak and associated parties take no responsibility for injuries, loss of earnings, loss of property, or any other terrible consequences resulting from attempting the "Matchbox Challenge". You have been warned.

You had to be there... 2

2005-09-08T13:09:00.000Z

When I was a kid, as with most kids at school, we occasionally had The Photographer come round. We'd get called to the assembly hall one class at a time, and wait in turn to have our picture taken.

One of those days came round. Few of us were prepared, no hair was combed, and of course there were people with broken glasses or teeth missing. My usual fault was to have a tuft of hair near the crown which couldn't decide which way to lie, and so consequently stuck straight up in the air.

My turn came up, so I sat down and I began to smile for the camera.

"Don't open your mouth so much, you look like Bugs Bunny." the photographer said.

To this day I still have a complex about showing my teeth for a photo, despite a few painful years with various wires and contraptions to get them fixed.

Bastard.

You had to be there...

2005-09-06T22:17:00.000Z

I'd like to say this is "Based on a true story", but actually it is a true story, word for word.

Today, I had a Muller Light Strawberry yogurt with my lunch. I have learned to be careful as I open them, since they have a habit of squirting me with yogurt just as you break the seal when removing the foil lid.

I managed to avoid this particular scenario today, as most days recently, only to drop the bastard lid in my lap before I'd managed to lick any yogurt off it. Now I have a creamy-coloured patch developing on the crotch of my trousers, and I'm sat at my desk at work.

"Nobody has noticed", I tell myself

"I can still get away with it if I act fast"

So i quietly get up and make my way outside to my car, which has wet wipes in the glovebox. My silent prayers that I should meet noone on the way are answered.

So I begin the cleanup operation in the passenger seat of my car. Just as I'm furiously rubbing away at my trousers it occurs to me how it might look to someone looking out of a window in my direction. I slow my pace, and try to look around at the trees ad the birds and be as discreet as I can.

"There, that should be it". Then I look down to see whether it's been successful or not, but now I have two huge damp patches on my trousers instead!

So, I resolve to listening to Dark Side of the Moon in the car for 10 minutes, waiting for my trousers to dry out in the searing heat, and hoping that the stain has been removed and won't be revealed as they dry out.

Today I am lucky. My trousers dry enough to be passable, and the stain is no more.

I vow to be more careful in future. Either that or take a change of clothes to work each day...

Heated Deb-8

2005-09-06T21:22:00.000Z

By how much is it okay to break the speed limit?

Maybe:

Until you get scared?
Until you crash?
Until you get caught?
Until your passengers tell you off?

What's your thoughts?

Se7en

2005-09-06T20:33:00.000Z

Ok, so this is the last time, I promise. Normal (hilarious) service will be resumed shortly...

The Toothfairy has once again tagged me with one of these questionnaires, so here goes it…

7 things I plan to do before I die.

Visit Austrailia, Tokyo, New York, Moscow, Scotland, amongst others
Get married
Get me a motorbike
Go scuba diving
Learn to hang-glide or para-glide
Fly business class
Start a family

7 things I can do.

Play guitar and piano (a bit)
Walk for miles over hill and dale
Speak a little French
Laugh at myself
Smile at someone in the street (try it next time you go out…)
Wobble my eyes really fast
Down a pint very quickly

7 things I cannot do.

Touch my nose with my tongue
Run more than a couple of hundred yards
Tell when someone is having me on
See without my specs on
Make a balloon animal
Draw or paint (though I’ve always wanted to)
Open a bottle of beer with my teeth

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex.

Good sense of humour (obviously)
Eyes
A nice figure
Being on my wavelength
Being patient with me
Being cuddly
Enjoying a good laugh

7 things I say most often.

”D’you know what I mean?”
”Innit?”
”Humph, nice signals, you [insert expletive here]”
”You alright?”
”I’m starving”
”I’m knackered”
”Awww?”

7 celebrity crushes.

Julia Roberts
Winona Ryder (after seeing her in Beetlejuice, surprisingly)
Kirsten Dunst
Sandra Bullock
Keira Knightly
Claire Forlani
Teri Hatcher

In the true spirit of the creak, I’m not tagging any other poor souls with this, but please feel free to leave a comment anyway.

Thanks.

5 Creaky Questions

2005-09-06T19:59:00.000Z

This is the last-but-one time I do one of these things, make no mistake.

But, for now, the Toothfairy has tagged me with these 5 questions. Here goes…

1. Most treasured possession?
Apparently I’m supposed to say the Toothfairy here, but I don’t believe I own her as such, so it would have to be my trusty Fender Strat – my first guitar.

2. Favourite guitarist of all time and why?
Eric Clapton, because he doesn’t pretend to be the fastest player or loudest player in the world, he just puts a lot of feeling into a very special kind of music. I also like the way he’s gone back to his blues roots, and realised that all the stuff he got hung up on through the 80’s and 90’s just wasn’t him. Favourite Clapton record? Dunno, “Ridin’ With the King” was ace, but my fav is probably either “From the Cradle” or “Unplugged”.

3. Biggest regret?
No regrets.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Of course!

5. If you had to get rid of either your ipod or your camera, which would it be?
Are you trying to tell me something? ipod, definitely. I can still go back to playing CDs on my CD walkman, but my camera is the only one I have.

I’m afraid I’m not tagging anyone else with this, ‘cos there are far too many of these going round already, but if there are any volunteers who would appreciate some creaky questions, please drop me a line on the usual number.

Petrol Sign Proofreading Blues

2005-09-01T21:52:00.000Z

Y'know how I'm always going on about proof-reading? Well, I saw this sign at a petrol Garage a few miles from where I live the other day.

'nuff said, really.

Contents of my wallet

2005-08-30T22:19:00.000Z

The Toothfairy has been trying to get me to put the contents of my wallet on here, since she was tagged with this a few days ago.

Here it is, in all it’s glory:

Asst. Credit/Debit Cards
2 x Stamp booklets
2 x Video Shop Cards
HMV Gift Card
1 x Photoshopped Matalan Card
1 x Non-Photoshopped driving license
1 x Poem from my Fiancée, the Toothfairy
Some cash
Some receipts
A Plectrum
Dark Side of the Moon (my favourite album of all time)

D.A.R.R.Y.L Mach 2...

2005-08-30T22:07:00.000Z

I know I'm over-doing the posting tonight, but I couldn't resist this:

Ape in the Fog

2005-08-30T22:06:00.000Z

This is me on top of the Malvern Hills a couple of weeks ago, eating the Wild Mountain Bagel I caught in my lunchbox.

Stress Relief

2005-08-30T21:03:00.000Z

Since I moved jobs a month or so ago, much of my journey to and from work is on the motorway.

Often, it looks like this:

I find it helps to think of things like the view I had from the top of the Malverns this evening:

It doesn't help. Ultimately, I'm still stuck in traffic, it's Friday, I want to go home, and some nerk has bumped his car into the bloke in front and now we're all stuck here like idiots waiti...

Ahem, sorry. You get my point...

You've all done it...

2005-08-23T08:29:00.000Z

Now, I like to think that I'm not completely daft, fairly switched on, and at one with my surroundings. Well, mostly.

So why, yesterday morning, did I find myself blowing on my spoonfull of cornflakes before putting it in my mouth?

Please tell me it's not just me...

Please?

Hello?

Oh dear....

Fried Chicken

2005-08-20T16:46:00.000Z

So I started a new job 4 weeks ago. I have to say, the new company is not as flexible as the one I left. Where I used to work, pretty much anything goes provided the work is done, and on time. I think that's fair enough, and a good policy. I knew, however, that it probably wouldn't be quite the same anywhere else...

...I was right.

The new company is run like a very tight ship (no pun intended? - ed) by a very strict skipper. Mobile phones should be switched off or silenced during working hours, there shouldn't be any use of the internet from one's desk during working hours (although 2 PCs are provided in the rest room for reasonable personal use during lunchtimes), and the dress code is expected to be "smart casual".

Not to mention that currently we are expected to clock in and out each day, too.

Now, I have to say that there is an amount of flexibility. I do actually use my own PC for the internet at lunchtimes (the 2 in the rest room are always in use), and my attire is on the casual side of smart casual.

But now there's something new. It's called "Way Training". It's that kind of internal training that a lot of corporations do to motivate their staff into "believing", or having a "faith" in the company. Everyone is expected to be able to reel off the company's "7 Core Values" at a moment's notice.

Eeeughhh.

I'm all for faith, religion, and so on. What I'm not up for, it having it forced on me.

Anyway, I'm scheduled for Module 1: "The Vision" in early September. I guess now there is only One Vision. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm going to be a good lad, since I am still the new boy. We'll have to see how it improves the way I work or makes me better at my job once I've completed it.

Is this kind of thing fairly typical these days?

Hot Tip 7

2005-08-17T21:58:00.000Z

Get into the habit of often pressing CTRL+S to save your document and avoid losing much work in case of a Micro$oft-induced crash. Don't worry if you save a mistake, simply undo and save again!

Whitebait

2005-08-16T22:27:00.000Z

A few months ago my fiancée and I went to a restaurant, and decided to order something "new" and "interesting" for our starter.

It was called "Whitebait".

We didn't know it was going to end up this way...

The moral of the story is; always know what something is before you order it.

Hot Tip 6

2005-08-16T21:23:00.000Z

More Hot Keys!

1) If you want to put acute accents on letters really quickly (i.e. fiancée), simply hold down that mysterious ALT Gr key, and press any vowel.

2) Hold down CTRL and use the arrow keys to select whole words at a time when editing text.

3) Press the Windows key + D to hide all windows and see the desktop - even with modal windows open!

4) Press the Windows key + E to open a Windoze Explorer window.

Hot Tip 5

2005-08-13T17:09:00.000Z

Press ALT+D to highlight the contents of the address bar in IE and Firefox and avoid using the mouse.

Also, if you're typing a .com address, simply type the main part of the address and press CTRL+ENTER. The browser will fill in the "http://www." and the ".com" bit for you!

e.g.
press ALT+F4 to highlight the address bar and type shipcreak.blogspot

press CTRL+ENTER

IE then changes this to http://shipcreak.blogspot.com for you!

Note
Firefox will also do ".net" addresses by using SHIFT+ENTER.

Oh no - finally the truth!

2005-08-13T17:00:00.000Z

Now I know why I have only lame ideas for my blog...

the Ham
(33% dark, 46% spontaneous, 31% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

Your style's goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 11% on dark
You scored higher than 56% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 47% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Spitting Image?

2005-08-12T22:20:00.000Z

Not normally one to keep on top of movie news - I've just heard - Ted Danson will be reprising his role as Hellboy in the sequel out later this year.

Hot Tip 4

2005-08-12T20:15:00.000Z

If you're sick and tired of replacing people's names and blog names with a proper hyperlink to their blog, then make use of the "autocorrect" function in Microsoft Word.

To use autocorrect in Word

In Word, click Tools->AutoCorrect...

Type the person's name in the Replace textbox, the full hyperlink to their blog in the With box

Click Add

Repeat for each of your blogging buddies

For those longer blog posts, use Word to write them, and it'll replace the text for you with hyperlinks as you go.

Happy now, Herge?

Hot Tip 3

2005-08-08T21:59:00.000Z

Need to know the meaning of a word? Type "define:" and your word into Google, and Google will do the rest.

Important
Well, sort of. Please note the update to Hot Tip 2, where I made myself look a pillock by putting duff information in.

I should know better, too...

Trilliview

2005-08-06T17:01:00.000Z

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's have a warm round of applause for our blogging buddy – Trillion!!!

How long have you been blogging?
Since about 8:45...oh you mean other than today? Erm, I don't know without checking. 3 months or so? Hang on....right, first blog was May 16th but I guess I started commenting about a month before that. Originally anonymously on Cakesniffers but then as Trillion a little later (first on Herge's, then later on Tina's - set the record straight on that once and for all).

What type of blogs do you like best?
It varies but in general anything that's honest but interesting. I like the personal stuff that creeps in - Herge talking about Dixon and Ed's kids - but I guess I like people to retain an air of mystery too. I don't really bother with blogs that are too heavy-going, political, religious or just diaries. I think the journal-type blogs are great to share with close friends if that's what you feel you want to do but not very entertaining if you don't know the person. For me the beauty of blogging is that you can be more honest than you can in 'real life' but I'm not the sort of person who'd keep a diary anyway. Never write anything down that could be used in evidence...

Are those really your eyes?
Yeah. I think they can't decide whether they want to be blue or green. They're also pretty useless to see through (I wear contacts). Bizarrely, some people get very uncomfortable when I look them in the eyes; Tina (for obvious reasons) and other people 'cos they say that they feel like I can see inside their mind and find out too much about them. Weird, eh?

Why did you start blogging?
I guess I wanted to join the gang. I was reluctant at first because it was something that Tina had got into and was enjoying and I didn't really want to gate crash. She seemed to be encouraging me to get involved though and then Herge started badgering me and I thought I'd give it a go. I was worried I wouldn't have enough time to dedicate to it though and there would be pressure to do something different and amusing ever day. I've realised now that by neglecting my job and my family I can generally manage to keep afloat. You lot have made me feel very welcome (except Herge when he's being a right queen).

Where does your inspiration come from? Is it all old ideas come to fruition, or on-the-spot witticism?
On-the-spot witticism, I wish! No, I guess modesty aside (I have flashed my boobs after all!), I guess I can be quite witty. It tends to come out when I'm at work and usually I have to bite my tongue so I don't either offend someone or show my true colours (I have a tendency to be quite smutty). If I see something funny I try and remember and blog about it but sometimes I wish I had a live video link-up because often you have to be there to appreciate how funny something is and it doesn't translate well at a later date. I find that people often do or say the most hilarious things, totally unaware of what they've done. MMT is my tribute to these times!

How many posts have you done now?
49. Not nearly enough. I'll take this space if I may to apologise for being a bit slack sometimes. No disrespect to the likes of Tina and Herge but I'm willing to bet they have more time on their hands than I do (I know Tina does - she makes time to go to the gym for fuck's sake!). I have over an hour 's drive to and from work each day. I generally work from 8-8:30 'til around 5 (but often quite a bit later). So often, much to Tina's disgust, I don't get to eat until 9pm or so.

I'm also busy doing up my 1930's house which I bought in 2001, which takes up a lot of time on the weekends that we don't have the kids. Every other weekend I have to drive from Manchester (where I work) to Chorley (where I live) to Nottingham (where the kids live), back to Chorley (for the weekend), back to Nottingham (to take the kids home) back to Chorley (to collapse into bed on Sunday before my alarm goes off at 6am on Monday). That can easily mean 10+ hours driving in a weekend, not counting any time spent travelling if we take the kids out somewhere. For these reasons I do tend to feel pretty knackered most of the time.

Whatever happened to Trilladvice?
It's not gone away, I've just been biding my time I guess. I did answer your specific question as a comment in the prelude to Trilladvice post (Pissed as an aunt) that I did but I'm guessing you either didn't see it or you weren't satisfied with the response! Do not fear, I will revive Trilladvice next week but my postbag wasn't bulging with letters as much as I would have liked!

Which post are you most proud of?
I'm my own worst critic, so it's hard to say. Most of the time I'm just happy if people get what I'm talking about. If I have to choose, then I'd probably go for the first MMT. People seemed to find it amusing and I think it was quite well received. I did like the reactions to MMT15, particularly Ed's 'passing on breakfast' comment. That made me LOL!

What would you rather have: visitors or comments?
Comments, 'cos I'm not clever enough to be able to detect if anyone's visited my blog if they don't leave a comment. I also like the sort of close community thing we have going on. I don't really care if a hundred people read something I've written, so long as a few familiar names leave a few words that makes it all worthwhile.

Have you ever considered posting something that is so close to the knuckle, you couldn't go through with it?
Yeah I guess so. I've often been tempted to publish real names and photos of people that have really pissed me off but I've held back on that. I was a bit nervous about the 'My family and other problems' post 'cos it was a bit personal. I didn't think about it too much at the time but afterwards Tina rang and said she thought I'd been very brave and that made me panic a bit. I was a bit nervous about posting a photo of my vibrator in all its glittery glory (in response to Tina's various photos of things buzzing in her bedroom) but I had to for its comedy value.

Do your friends/ family read your blog?
With the exception of Tina, no. At least I sincerely hope not. My best mate at work (had to add those last 2 words before Tina threw an eppy) knows I blog and he occasionally tries to see what I'm up to but I always minimise the screen. He's cool though and I wouldn't mind him reading it - he knows as much about the real me as anyone else - but I'd be worried he would tell other people we work with about it.

Update: Tony, my other best friend (okay, I have three!), the person who's known me the longest (we used to go out together when we were both 11), nagged me all evening until I gave in and told him the address. Fortunately he texted me with a positive comment. He has a blog himself but it's incredibly professional, really flashy and impressive and not at all rude. Still having known me for so long, seen me drunk more times than I care to remember and walked in on me having a wee, I guess he wasn't gonna be too shocked by anything I'd written. I really should learn to lock doors, shouldn't I???

How many blogs are there in your links list?
Not enough. There are actually quite a few people I'd like to add to the list but I have to be honest it was Tina who added that bit for me and I've never bothered to update it.

Which blog do you check out first and why?
Are you just trying to get me in trouble here? Okay, I always check out Herge first because it's the best obviously! Then I go straight to Cakesniffers before doing the rounds of Piss Off, Connielingus, Edwaado (nothing new for ages - said pot to kettle!), Ship Creak.... I'm shamefully bad at leaving comments though. If I get to something and everything's been said already, I often think I've missed the boat and don't comment myself. Sometimes though, if I'm first to comment, I still shy away 'cos I think the first comment to a blog should be of a high standard and I don't want to let people down. Shit, I'm really showing my low self confidence now!

If you had one morsel of advice for someone starting out blogging, what would it be?
Don't let the Chimp and his drama queen ways get you down.

In a conversation about your blog, how would you like it described?
I can quote Tony here in his text from last night:

"I thought it was really amusing and it didn't shock me at all"

When was the last time you laughed out loud at a post?
Genuinely really laughed out loud it would have to be Ed's comment to my MMT blog that I referred to earlier. I am a huge fan of comedy and usually I am fairly easily amused and find humour in unusual places but it actually takes a lot for me to laugh out loud. I may giggle or smirk to myself but to actually snigger uncontrollably is quite rare. Ed achieved that and for that I salute him! Before you all start on the offensive, that doesn't mean that I don't find many other things that people have done extremely amusing, 'cos I do. I really, really do but I'm being honest here so live with it!

Right, that seems to be everything. I've probably offended everyone without meaning to and sent the number of visitors to my blog through the floor (but I won't know about that until the comments stop!).

Hot Tip 2

2005-08-04T22:03:00.000Z

In the options for your account in Blogrolling.com, set "<li>" as the prepend text, and "</li>" as the append text. This will ensure that your blogroll items each have their own bullet-point next to them.

Neat, eh?

Important Update!
Actually, leave the one out of the "append" text, since the way blogrolling works means you end up with extra spaces in between each item in the list. Sorry...

It's a Mystery...

2005-08-03T22:46:00.000Z

Where on earth did that P.I. Squared fella go?

I started reading when he turned up commenting on the (fabulous) Angry Chimp blog, and it was all looking to be quite interesting...

But now he's gone the way of Half an Identity. Could it be they are the same person after all, as suggested by Tina in this post at Cakesniffers?

(Phew, that's a lot of links - I hope they all work!)

This is gonna take me years...

2005-08-03T20:12:00.000Z

Ok, so I'm missing a large part of movie history. There are so many "must see" or "seminal" movies that I've not seen, that it's getting embarassing. I swear, if edwaado had to find out there was another movie I hadn't seen he'd have done something silly.

So, I plan to enjoy a new hobby over the next few years, which is to avoid all but the best hollywood can come up with, and instead catch up on stuff I really should have already seen.

Here it is:

Title	Notes
12 Monkeys	Bought this today
2001: A Space Odyssey
Alfie (Original)
Apocalypse Now
Barbarella
Beetlejuice	I've seen this, but I loved it, and wanna see it again
Being John Malcovich
Big Wednesday
Blazing Saddles
Blythe Sprit
Boogie Nights
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Breakfast Club
Bullit
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Cannonball Run
Casino
Citizen Kane	Bought this today
Clockwork Orange
Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind
Dark Star
Dog Soldiers
Dr Strangelove	Found in Morrisons but haven't bought it yet
Easy Rider
Ferris Bueller
Get Carter (Original)
Goodfellas	Bought this today
Halloween
Hero
High Plains Drifter	Found in Morrisons but haven't bought it yet
House of Flying Daggers	Really loved Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and want more of the same
Ipcress File
Magnolia
North by Northwest
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Pink Panther
Raging Bull
Rear Window
Schindler's List	I have this to watch at home
Se7en	I've seen this, but I loved it, and wanna see it again
Shane	Want to see this so's I understand a Bill Hicks gag properly
Shot in the Dark
Sin City	I know it was crap, but this year I really got into comics (well, sort of)
Some Like it Hot
South Park - The Movie
Spirited Away
Taxi Driver
The Exorcist	Have borrowed this and am trying to get round to watching it
The Fog
The Graduate
The Producers
The Sting
The Wicker Man
Thin Red Line
To Kill a Mockingbird
Trainspotting	Bought this today
Unforgiven	Bought this today
Vertigo
War Games
Way out West
Withnail and I

If anyone has anything to add to this list, please let me know. I'm in for the long haul...

Hot Tip #1

2005-08-02T22:12:00.000Z

Small children can be used as an excuse for almost anything.

Because I'm worth it...

2005-08-01T22:59:00.000Z

Apparently, I am worth $1,583,850 on HumanForSale.com.

Which is nice.

"Code 42, we have a code 42, over..."

2005-08-01T22:28:00.000Z

Ever had the situation at work or maybe at home where someone will ask you a question so ambiguous that you couldn't possibly have the answer?

Or worse still, simply make a statement about something, expecting a well-crafted response to their outburst?

This, ladies and gentlemen (and those in-between) is a Code 42.

They often start out with one of the following:

"Have you ever seen it where...?"

"Could you take a look at the code and see if you can spot the problem...?"

"The software doesn't work how I'd expect it to..."

Can I ask you a quick question...?

Each of these makes my blood run cold. I haven't had them yet in the new job, 'cos I'm still the newbie, but give it time, and it'll be back.

Anyone else have any experiences like this? Is it only me? Surely it can't be!

Movie Fantasy Come True!

2005-07-31T23:02:00.000Z

Do you remember the movie Gremlins?

In this movie, the father (Randall Peltzer) is a (unsuccessful) inventor, and one of his (unsucessful) inventions was the smokeless ashtray.

And now it looks like it's actually available to buy!!

ThinkGeek's Smokeless Ashtray

No Way!

2005-07-31T16:17:00.000Z

Pissoff did a weirdness test, so I thought I'd have a go. These are my results, but I think it's been fixed!!

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange.
But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

Go, Go, Gadget Blog!

2005-07-30T15:02:00.000Z

I've often thought when it comes to gadgets, there are 3 categories.

Category 1: Everyday Technology
Generally speaking, this ranges from things like your average 4-slice toaster, to a widescreen telly. Nowadays even things like DVD players have become common enough that they make it into this category.

Category 1 gadgets are widely accepted (even by "old" people) as household items, and with the exception of programming the video to record the Big Brother eviction show, we don't really see them as gadgets at all.

It's fairly easy to justify purchasing category 1 items, although justifying the replacement of a "perfect good" category 1 item that you already own is more difficult. Better wait until it "breaks"...

Category 2: Gizmos
Items in this category are more things like iPods, or PDAs. Computers are a wide subject but taken at their simplest level, this is the category they fit into.

Gizmos are generally widely accepted, but not often seen in old folks homes, and people feel they could go without them without any real trouble. Only occasionally would someone have the need for a particular gizmo for a particular or one-off task. Often, in this case they may have a friend or relative who has said gizmo, who can help them out.

Due to the non-essential nature of gizmos, it's typically difficult to justify purchasing them unless you have "spare" cash, or have a personal need for a specific item.

Category 3: Geeks Only!
These kind of things are only known to geeky types. Examples include the Squeeze Box, Wi-Fi Digital Hotspotter and the Mini Bug Detector.

It is impossible to justify the purchase of a category 3 gadget. If you have a significant other they are definately not going to see the point in it, and will have much better ideas on where to spend the money.

If you have a gadget that you're particularly proud of, or would recommend, please let me know. If you're a 3rd-level Geek, I'd like to hear from you, too.

Security Camera Blues

2005-07-28T21:37:00.000Z

I used to work at a Halfords Superstore (other car parts and accessories stores are available - ed), as a part time job during the two years I was failing my A-levels.

One day I was stood by myself at the bikes counter, and the phone rings.

"Good afternoon, Halfords Chulmleigh, Ship speaking, how may I help?"

"Hi, my names John, from the security company. We're having trouble identifying one of your security cameras and could do with your help"

Now I know, because I asked and was told, months previously, that the "cameras" in this particular store were in fact fake, to act as a deterrent, and nothing more. I explained this to John.

"No, they're definately live. Could you go to the "cycle desk", please?"

"I'm already there"

"Good, now, just to check that we've got you on the right camera, can you hold your arms up, please?"

Oh damn, I'm being had, I know I am. This is stupid.

I hold my arm up, trying to look normal.

"No, I still can't see, can you wave your arms around a bit?"

Oh no, this is getting worse! I know this is a joke, but...

I start waving both arms in the air.

"Yes, I see you, that's the one. Thanks very much Ship, good bye"

And he hangs up.

Then I hear giggling.

Then the lads spill out of the warehouse area (the entrance of which is next to the cycle desk) pissing themselves laughing and pointing and mocking me by waving their arms around like lunatics.

Of course I smile and nod, "taking it on the chin". But really I feel like a right dipstick.

Well, it could happen to anyone, couldn't it?

Can you tell what it is 5 - The Answer

2005-07-28T21:26:00.000Z

First prize of Sod-all goes to MHN For short, who guessed correctly that it was a camping stove, taken at night. Well done all, some pretty good guesses that I hadn't even thought of.

Who knows, maybe there will be more of this to come...

30/07/05 - Correction... Actually it was The Leak who got the right answer.

I am an idiot.

Can you tell what it is 5

2005-07-26T22:34:00.000Z

Okay, last one now. Found this while browsing my "My Pictures". It's pretty obvious what it is, so the winner will need to be specific...

Fitting in...

2005-07-26T20:31:00.000Z

So I started my new job yesterday. Things are cool, I'm starting to "personalise" my space to make myself more at home, using the following technique:

1) Rearrange everything how I like it
2) Customise Outlook settings
3) Change desktop picture
4) Change screensaver to marquee with witty statement
5) Rearrange everything how I like it

Now I will start bringing in things from home and, well, you get the idea.

So so far my experience is a good one. There are vast differences in the way this company works compared to my last one, but then there are similarities, too. I'm not so nervous any more, but then I haven't actually got stuck into anything yet...

Here's to a bright new future...

2005-07-24T23:09:00.000Z

Okay, so this is the first post in a long time. I've been neglecting my fans (but not your ego - ed) and so I thought it's time to dust off the ol' blog and see if I can't come up with something interesting.

I can't, so I'm going to make do with this instead.

I've been at my company for 6 years and 18 days. I started straight after finishing my A-levels, and have worked in almost every department. I started on the projects team, and within 12 months decided I wanted to be a developer.

I then spent 4 years battling for development and instead going from department to department until I (thanks in no small part to My Mate Herge) managed to get into development. I've been doing that for about 6 months, and I've thoroughly enjoyed it.

I work hard (almost all the time), and it has been noted that one module of software I wrote (with edwaado's help and guidance) took me so long that we had a new Pope by the time it was finished. The main thing is, that after all those years battling against glass ceilings, at last I'd finally made it.

And then a month ago I quit.

I quit not because of the people - I'll miss them. Neither because of the software I was developing - I had big plans for that. I quit because I'd become disillusioned with the company. Redundancies aren't fun, and set the beasts of fear and doubt in even the minds of the "lucky" ones.

And now I find myself writing this, unable to sleep, because tomorrow is my first day at The New Job.

I'm sure I'll be fine (won't I?), but I'm practically institutionalised. This is only my second ever job (does 18 months part time at a Halfords Superstore count? - ed) and I think it's okay to be a little nervous.

So please, if you have a few seconds over the next few days, spare a thought for a tall Ship (running slightly over the Plimsoll line) as it slowly makes it's way into uncharted waters...

Can you tell what it is? #4 - The Final Answer

2005-07-15T21:30:00.000Z

Ok, so this time no-one got it right. It was in fact a section of the handle from an old galvanised-steel watering can!

Yeah, I know. Laaaaamme.

Can you tell what it is? #4

2005-07-14T21:36:00.000Z

Ok, maintenant, c'est la derniere.

Well done to Ballerina for getting the right answer first, and to Mazmad for spotting it too. It is in fact the wall of our house, in close-up.

Here's the last one, now. You can all breathe a sigh of relief that this feature is passing on.

Slightly more tricky, so here goes...

Can you tell what it is? #3

2005-07-13T18:44:00.000Z

Well done to Trillion for guessing that it is in fact exactly how she described it. This particular one was at the top of Symmonds Yat. I took a bunch of pictures that day, which, if you're interested, you can see here.

Now for the next one. This is a little lame, but actually came out better than I expected once I cropped it. Let's see what you make of it...

Can you tell what it is? #2

2005-07-12T19:30:00.000Z

well done to MHN For Short for the right answer! It was indeed a slim vase, with the pic taken from the top down. Great guesses all round ('cept the whole buttplug thing - I'm not even old enough to know what one is, for goodness sake!).

Here's how it looks to normal people (i.e. those other than me):

No, Herge, it's not a giant buttplug.

So, tonight's mystery picture, then. Who's going to get this one first?...

Can you tell what it is? #1

2005-07-11T18:33:00.000Z

Kudos to those who can guess what this is a photo of.

I have a couple more of these, hopefully they are better...

Answer will be announced (though that's far too grand a word for it) tomorrow evening (UK time)

First Aid...

2005-07-04T21:54:00.000Z

An actual sign on the wall where my fiancée works. No Photoshopping here though, this beaut is genuine.

Pink Floyd Flyer

2005-07-04T05:36:00.000Z

My first attempt at Adobe Photoshop. This ain't a real flyer, I made it from a photo I took at one of their gigs.

Yes, t'is true, I am sad.

Have to say, they were fantastic at Live:8 on the weekend. I watched with morbid curiosity, expecting them to be "not so good" after not playing for so long, but they haven't lost it at all.

Look, I already admitted I'm sad, okay?

Health and safety reject

2005-06-23T13:02:00.000Z

This is taken from an emergency procedure poster where I work. Can you spot the deliberate mistake? (Click the picture for a bigger version)

Archers gone bad

2005-06-21T21:05:00.000Z

I know it's taken out of context, but it did amuse me to hear the words

it was a good, clean toss...

uttered on Radio 4 this afternoon.

Are BBC standards dropping? What would our dear Mary Whitehouse think?

Proof-Readers R US

2005-06-21T19:07:00.000Z

I found this on the BBC news site, from a link in my daily news e-mail:

They really should take a step back and one last look before they publish stuff, shouldn't they?

Of course if you can't see what I can then this probably tells more about me that it does about the guys who created the picture...

Here's the page in it's original context.

Alfred

2005-06-20T20:17:00.000Z

Stood in the shower after the third decorating-related accident of the day, Alfred was wishing he'd decided not to do the work himself, and had "got a man in" instead.

Eurology Rules! (Part 2)

2005-06-16T20:02:00.000Z

The Eurocrats are really going for is this time - in order to win more public votes at this months evictions, they are planning to enforce mandatory sick-bags in all late-night taxis.

This is part of a drive to improve the standard of all public transport services across the E.U, and will coincide with new measures to widen buses to two lanes, in order to carry more passengers and entice private drivers out of their cars and onto public transport.

Earlier this year the new european Continuous Road And Pedestrian Tax was introduced to all non commercial and public vehicles, as well as people on foot. This new tax now means that those who wish to use the road and walkways of Europe will have to stop at one of the 74 new toll booths opened around the E.U. to hand over their payment.

Officials at the Commission for Rapidly Applied Policies European HQ refused to comment on how those individuals who had no roof to their vehicle, or were walking, were meant to display the now mandatory "I Love Europe" signs, or why these signs must be paid for by the public.

Money raised from the new C.R.A.P. tax will be ploughed into the project to fill in the channel tunnel, which collapsed, killing 3 people (and the first fox in it's 73-year history clever enough to avoid detection) in September 2003.

2005-06-12T20:10:00.000Z

Can anyone else see a face in this doorhandle?

2005-06-12T20:06:00.000Z

Just something I thought I'd share. I took this from the second row at the Australian Pink Floyd Show last year. Amazing concert, but I have a feeling that even so, the Angry Chimp will have piss to take.

What a hoot!

2005-06-07T23:14:00.000Z

Worcester is a town near where I live, and while on the internet looking for any local places with live music, I came across this website which shows just how popular and busy Worcester is!

Click here to view the website

Hold on tight!!